Talk to your adult children

It’s tax time. For me that necessarily means a financial review. What I have earned, what I have spent in the past year, and what I can anticipate for the future.

This blog comes as a request from my tax accountant: Please tell people to talk to their children about their finances! Her plea is echoed by investment counselors and estate attorneys – something I’ve known in my past but almost forgotten.

When I was 38 my mother died. My father had predeceased her by nine years. Since my mid-30’s I was co-signer on all her accounts, and all documents (healthcare power of attorney, durable power of attorney, will) were in place. Busy with a career, two young children, and graduate school, I didn’t pay too much attention to intricacies, but I was well aware of what would be required. When her dementia took hold, I knew how to manage her affairs, down to knowing which mortuary she preferred and where the grave plots were. That was a long time ago.

I have these things in place for myself, but now I have to ask: Does my daughter know what she needs to? Why not? As my tax friend questioned, “Why is this conversation not easily and routinely done?”

I suppose it’s that we get lost in the busyness of everyday, or that we usually don’t like to talk about money anyway, and certainly not about death. Yet the burden is on us, to make our wishes known.

Here’s a suggestion: schedule an appointment for you and your child/designee with your investment counselor and/or attorney. These professionals welcome the opportunity to meet and discuss affairs with dependents. Follow this with a nice lunch and then a stop at the bank to get signatures on accounts and lock box. Tell her that all documents are in the lock box and also with the attorney. Give her the extra key.

What is much harder is needing to have this conversation initiated by a doctor in a hospital waiting room.

So I’ll ask you: Do you have a living will or healthcare power of attorney? Do your children know where it’s located? Do you understand the meaning of such terms as Do Not Resuscitate (DNR)? (Note: I don’t know of many seniors who want chest compressions!) Do your children understand this and what you would want?

There’s a handy guide, “Final Wishes,” that’s offered to many end stage patients and is easily downloadable from the internet. It’s a quick reference for account numbers and can provide as much detail as you want about your end-of-life wishes. Unlike my son who received and ignored these on several hospitalizations, I need to do this for myself!

I know friends who have written their own obituaries and planned their funerals; their children know where to find these items on their computers. It’s a benefit to your loved ones to do these things. In a time of crisis that death always is, no one remembers, “What was that hymn Mama wanted?” and “Did he want to be cremated?”

So I’ll end with the best example: my aunt Edna. She stopped by in her little Toyota one afternoon to say cheerfully that she’d just left the funeral home where she’d selected her casket, left instructions for her funeral, and pre-paid it all. At age 75 and alone, she kept her living will taped to her refrigerator door with DNR in big letters across it. So when a neighbor called 911 after not seeing her that morning, attendants knew there was nothing to do but call me. And there was nothing I had to do but follow her lead and get on with my own grieving. What a gift.